A Heavy Heart

I've been blogging in my head a lot lately, just haven't settled in at the computer to write down my thoughts.

Life has been sobering recently.  (Which implies I'm normally drunk, or high, so that is really a goofy statement.)  It's been stacked with serious issues that take some deep thought.

1.  Like ISIS, or ISIL, or whatever.  It's clear we are going to be dealing with these terrorists for quite a while. It's frightening.  

2.  Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of the 9/11/2001 terrorist attack.  This always makes me sad.

3.  UTIs.  I never knew a urinary tract infection (or 8) could cause such problems.

4.  Publication issues.  I'm a first-time author, and my brain is in constant turmoil about which direction to take my book, The 12 Days of Christmas Adventure.  I think about it so much, my brain feels like this.

Doesn't this give you a headache just looking at it?

5.  In addition, we received a letter today that our bank account was one of the many compromised in the recent Home Depot hack.  Ironic, as my husband is an operations manager for Home Depot.

Life is scary and sad and anxiety-ridden at times.  Sometimes, it makes me long for heaven.  Like, right now.

When I think of the horrors going on in the middle east, the beheadings, the kidnappings, the brutal taking of human life, it's more than I can stomach.  Please, come, Lord.  We clearly don't know how to get along.  Our hearts are so depraved and corrupt, we don't deserve the life you have given us.

When I take Dad to one more doctor, and we hear that he is becoming immune to antibiotics because he has had so many in the past year, my heart aches.  I pray, Lord, we need your peace and your guidance, because we are coming to the end of what medicine can do to kill a nasty bug called pseudomonas.

When I don't know which avenue (of several) to take with my book, I just do nothing, which is stupid, because then no progress is made.  Some days I just can't get past this.  So, I bake some cookies.  And eat too many.

When we get a second letter (my credit card was hacked a few months ago) that our finances have been compromised because some people are greedy, destructive thieves, I want to go back to the barter system.  You launder my clothes, and I'll make you cookies.  We can swap chores and resources, and forget the paper money and silver coins.  I might have had more peace of mind living on the Prairie next to the Ingalls.  

We just seem to be making such a mess of things.  Why can't we be kind, and respectful, and share?

I realize I'm not the first human to raise these questions.  And I know the answer, I just wish it was different.  I wish it was repairable.  But, as long as we have free will, there will be messes and hatred and disease.  It's the price we pay for freedom. 

So, it's not a dilemma I can solve.  But, how God must grieve for how we live.  The people we destroy, the opportunities we waste, the gifts we squander, it's all so ruinous.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been taking a little wooden cross with me to bed at nights.  It's shaped to fit in the grip of a hand. 

I talk to God as I grow sleepy and ask Him to help me see things from His view.  He sees all the details of everything, and only He can assure me that, no matter what, He's got His hand on me.

Money will come and go, America will always have enemies, my parents will (probably sooner than later) pass from this life, and my book may never leave my computer.  I need to remember this life is temporary.  I need to hold all things lightly, because all things come to pass.  They don't come to stay.   

In the end, injustices will be righted, and goodness will be rewarded.  And whatever I can do to walk justly and humbly with my God is all I can do.  It's all I can do.


I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Yes life does come with a lot of concerns and they don't stop. We get over one hurdle and another appears. The good thing is we are not in control but do have Someone to turn to that is.

Annalisa Crawford said...

Sometimes all the negative stuff happens together - large international issues combine with smaller private problems, and it's hard to see any positive at all. Try to block out the big things that our beyond your control and focus on your dad and your family... one day at a time x

Deb said...

Tough times all around to be sure. I love the little wooden cross you sleep with. We are struggling with the things here too that I have not mentioned on my blog, but stressful times at our house to be sure. Trying to remember that "God id God and we aren't" and that [We] can do all things through Christ who strengthens [us]. Hugs from AZ.

netablogs said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts...so much of it is exactly how I'm feeling too.. overwhelmed with the violence and horrible things happening around the world and close to home, too. As some family was sitting around at my brother's lakeside cabin last week, we talked about just this and were reminded that the most repeated phrase in the Bible is "Do not fear". I don't think it's spoken in an uncaring way, but an encouraging and loving way. You're right, all things must pass. The only thing that will last is the word of God. Hope you find some peace and comfort this week!

LBJ said...

These are indeed sobering times. All we can do is pray without ceasing, and breath in deep of each day, even if they come filled with trials, dog hair, and for me, a kitchen that refuses to clean itself.

Congratulations on the book. Having just done the same, I can understand, and also know how much of a heart goes into it. Good for you! I will check it out.
LB Johnson

Juli said...

Maybe the lesson here is to enjoy every day as it comes and each small good thing. Because if the bad stuff does come, it will make the good stuff that much sweeter.

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

A great post

Unknown said...

My heart gets so heavy when I'm submerged in the issues of the world. I read the news once a week and that's about all I can handle.

I don't know how society survives without looking to Christ... He gives me the strength to keep walking above the tidal waves of life.

Big hugs to you my friend.

Ruth said...

Last year my dad had a UTI that got so bad we honestly didn't think he would make it. He got so sick. I would love a barter system.
Last week, my computer died and I lost the book I was working on. Hopefully the hard drive is recoverable.
I am sorry about your dad. Maybe there are some natural remedies that could help fight it.

Chatty Crone said...

First of all prayers for your father. I had never heard of that and had to look it up.

Yes there are so many negative things going on. Now Obama sent troops in to fight Ebola. No one is going to want to serve anymore, and then the draft will start up . . . see I do it with you!!

I think the only thing we can do and you did it - was add to the list the things that are good and that we are grateful for.

Life is hard - but GOD is good!

Cathy said...

Very well said Marianne. It's so hard to watch our parents going through all these problems. My parents' health is so not great right now.

As for Jesus coming back and taking us home, I agree. Except I still have friends and family that need to give their life to him. So really, I'm glad he's giving them more time.

Take care my friend and I'll pray for your dad.

Cecilia Marie Pulliam said...

Life can become overwhelming. And yes, our faith is what will get us through those moments, sometimes only one hour at a time. All we really have is our faith. Adding my prayers, asking God to protect, to heal and to comfort.